Commentary from Published March 30, 2016
This is what happened to me with art, and it still does to quite an extent. Depression makes you think that everything you do is futile, and hence anything you do creatively is really affected. Getting the motivation to do something creative, and then try to do it without your critical eye going overboard on the self-hate. Suddenly, there is no satisfaction in what you do, only frustration, which naturally hammers on your motivation to continue it further. Then without the practice, the skills required to do the creative work suffer. (This happened to me with my previous work Sexy Losers and it still affects me to that day — but oddly, only with that work. Drawing depression comix characters is easy, but putting the pen to paper for Shiunji or Mike is a lot harder. I intended to do some new SL strips this year but found that the block was still there.)
Finally, at some point, the work you did seems unattainable, like some clone of you who is superior than you did it and you get bewildered that you could have possibly done that because it’s not within your ability now. You start to beat yourself up mentally and motivation further slides. Before you know it, you haven’t picked up that pencil or guitar or freeweight or whatever for months and you find yourself detatched from the thing you used to love. Then you see other people doing what you used to be doing and achieving what you dreamed of, and you feel the true weight of what you lost. You feel the world turning without you in it.
For this strip, we have Robin and her unnamed friend (who has been around the strip longer than Wren, since #59). Unfortunately the weight of the Wren/Robin relationship doesn’t allow me to really allow Robin to open up, but she will open up to her best friend. I have the feeling that Robin doesn’t open up to Wren because she’s still afraid of rejection — she feels loved but she’ll never feel safe. With depression, I guess you never really feel safe.
There are a lot of two people walking and talking strips lately. Unfortunately, next update is more of the same. The week after I’ll have to make sure to do something different. Maybe eating and talking?
Finally, at some point, the work you did seems unattainable, like some clone of you who is superior than you did it and you get bewildered that you could have possibly done that because it’s not within your ability now. You start to beat yourself up mentally and motivation further slides. Before you know it, you haven’t picked up that pencil or guitar or freeweight or whatever for months and you find yourself detatched from the thing you used to love. Then you see other people doing what you used to be doing and achieving what you dreamed of, and you feel the true weight of what you lost. You feel the world turning without you in it.
For this strip, we have Robin and her unnamed friend (who has been around the strip longer than Wren, since #59). Unfortunately the weight of the Wren/Robin relationship doesn’t allow me to really allow Robin to open up, but she will open up to her best friend. I have the feeling that Robin doesn’t open up to Wren because she’s still afraid of rejection — she feels loved but she’ll never feel safe. With depression, I guess you never really feel safe.
There are a lot of two people walking and talking strips lately. Unfortunately, next update is more of the same. The week after I’ll have to make sure to do something different. Maybe eating and talking?
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Ouch.
As a hobbist musician….. this one hurts a lot
The same with me and drawing
I’ve studied art all my life and used to pour my soul onto paper and canvas but now I just think it’s a burden to even pick up the brush and I just suck
Saila, I’m so sorry you are in that place. I’m not an artist, but am in the writer/actor/comedian category and I sure know that feeling. Actually, when I’m in the worst of it, I wouldn’t even say that I’m a writer/actor/comedian, I’d just think I’m a total fuck-up and would tell you that I’m nothing.
I sure don’t want to dispense useless advice, because we’ve all received a ton of that, but I will say sometimes it helps me to get unstuck by telling myself that I’m going to sit down and write some of the shittiest stuff ever put on paper, and then I do exactly that.
I TRY to make it bad and – in the best case scenario – it actually starts being fun, striving to be the worst author of all time. It makes that blank sheet of paper less intimidating, and helps shut up the myriad of voices telling me I suck beyond belief. “I’m TRYING to suck, you assholes! Fuck off!” I don’t know if it would work with your sketch pad or canvas, and apologies if this comes across as useless cheap advice. I understand that feeling, too, having gotten the “buck up” and “count your blessings” speech many times.
I will also say it’s not you, it’s the disease. Depression is a motherfucker. Actually, that’s too kind a word for it. Clay captures it so well with his comics.
Oh, before I go I have to say I love your hair. I have none, but it’s not just raw envy. I admire your use of color, you look great. Take care, Saila, there are a lot of us who know exactly what you’re going through, and we know it’s awful.
All the best,
Peter
Same here. We’re cleaning out the storage room, and I can’t believe all the art supplies I had in there. I could open my own store! I used to love to draw, but now…no inspiration, no energy to even doodle. I think I might take Peter’s advice and do the most utterly crap drawing I can, just to tell the negative voices “I’m TRYING to suck, you assholes! Fuck off!” like he said. It might just work. It’d be good for a laugh, at least.
This may sound trite and I apologize in advance but I was struggling for years to be productive, but twice in my life I turned to my depression – trying my best to express my life with it. I’ve found that nothing inspires me more than to try to put all this on paper. I don’t know if it’ll work for others, but I think there is something to be said for art therapy.
To me, too. The artistic block is the worst 🙁
my life over and over again
So true!!
I’m not an artist or musician, but this still hits hard. I have a basement full of unfinished projects going back twenty years for the exact same reason. Sometimes, when things are bad I just want to put them all in a big pile and burn them. I don’t know if that would help or make things worse.
Clay, I like the artwork on this one, I think the facial expressions are perfect for the idea being presented. Thank you for all the work you put into it.
I can so relate. :/
Although I’m not a musician (I wish I would be, I love singing and playing music… I’m just horrible at it) but a writer. People say my writing is so good; beautiful and flawless (especially english since it’s not my first language) but I’m always finding something wrong with it… It’s kinda sad, writing used to be so relaxing and fun but now it feels like waste of time because I’m going to suck at it anyway…
I can relate to this, both when it comes to music as well as with studies, social relations, and life in general. It’s hard and I get the feeling that doesn’t matter what I do, at the end of my life I will look back at it and see nothing but a sad waste of time and possibilities.
…Many times I feel very guilty and ashamed for it, too. I think I’m like a spoiled brat who is not capable of working to achieve his goals and to do what he is supposed to love. Other times I just feel incapable of doing anything. It frustrates me either way. Then I end up hating everything and I just want to sleep all day and disappear.
You perfectly described how I feel nearly every day. Word for word.
I feel this over and over again. I’m feeling it now. All this expression needs to come out of me but it gets stuck somewhere inside and nothing comes out. And I feel like nothing.
I have a mountain of studies to get through, supposed to work towards a big end goal, but if I can’t do this one unit…how will I do anything else.
If I write, I write to only erase. If I draw, nothing turns out right, and music? I don’t play but I listen and right now silence is all I can stomach, but it is unbearable at the same time.
Ouch, too close to home.
Way close. .. over here too. .. trying to fight it
This happened to me with writing. It just became tedious instead of fun.
Same with me and everything I used to enjoy doing.
Why I stopped playing the drums tbh
I’m with Salia. Visual art and writing used to be my life’s blood. Now I just stare at blank paper. Making art is like pulling my own teeth.
Exactly like that.
I made it through my Masters of Music program in clarinet, but just barely. I never had trouble spending hours practicing, until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore… nothing I played would come out the way I wanted it to, everything just sounded awful and inadequate to me and it all sort of fell apart. I used to love playing in symphony more than anything, and now I have to force myself even to go to rehearsals for community groups. I wish I could have that old passion back again… I just feel like I gave up on everything I worked so hard on for so many years.
Exactly. Same is true with my drawing and painting. I used to enjoy it VERY MUCH when I was a kid and even in my mid teens. Then depression struck. I really miss that time when I could just doodle the afternoon away and end up happy with whatever I’ve made; no inner voice constantly telling me that they’re not good enough. No feelings of frustration whatsoever. IT was all just for personal fulfilment.
Me with writing. I loved it so much. I wanted to be a writer and all. Now if I try to write I just feel so disappointed with myself. SSSo frustrating.
Same but with learning languages. I used to be able to be nearly fluent in German, be able to have conversations in Swedish, and acceptable in Hungarian. Now i don’t even know if i can have a simple conversation in either of those languages any more.