I went through this with a few different people. And I did feel awful, but at the same time I couldn’t really believe they wanted me around anyway. When I’m depressed it really helps me for someone to come around and act like they care about me, and I can’t grok people who are the opposite and push everyone away. But I still feel bad about ending it.
Depression can make people feel that no one could ever care about them. When others say they do care, it comes across as a lie.
Also, intense feelings of loneliness are more painful when you’re with other people. The contrast between your internal emotional state and the external reality can be a terrible strain. Loneliness makes more sense when you’re alone.
The first step I took in escaping depression was to recognize that such thoughts and feelings were irrational. Something doesn’t become true simply because you feel that it’s true, no matter how intense that feeling may be.
Just had a six year engagement end for basically this reason. She didn’t bother to break up with me before scouting a new relationship, either, and carried on a three week affair before I found out.
Trying to tell myself that I’m better off but it still hurts.
That’s awful, I’m sorry to hear that. You are better off regardless — you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you — but that’s certainly not a classy way for her to end it.
It’s extremely difficult to date/live with/be married to/etc with someone that is deeply depressed. Ad to that, those of us that live with similar “demons” tend to attract the same in our partners “Laws of attraction” and all… It SUCKS big time but I’ve found that regardless of how good intentions one has when entering such a relationship, “YAY!! We’re gonna beat these demons together as a team!!”…. It seldom works out that way and is most of the time just wishful thinking and not wanting to feel so freakin alone with our inner demons… All we end up doing is dragging each other down further and further into the pit of angst…
There really is NO valid excuse in breaking up in a cowardly way, regardless of if you are the strongest person in the world, or, if you are just as hurt and vulnerable as the person you’ve been dating the past few (insert however long you’ve been together) years/months/whatever…
HOWEVER…. Sometimes, one reaches the point where one feels themselves backed into a corner with nowhere to turn and deep down panic sets in… Regardless of what one chooses to do, someone IS going to get hurt… Those are the times when the “ugly breakups” happen… Break-ups like, New boy/girlfriend before ending the previous, Break-up over the phone, letter/email, or heavens forbid SMS… Anything, as long as you don’t actually HAVE to SEE the hurt in the other persons eyes, because if you can’t see it, it won’t hurt YOU as much… and NO…. it does not make it right doing things this way but the person that wants out, is so desperate to get out of a situation they no longer can handle, they only want out and are so blind that they see no other way of ending things. Add to that, they are quite often emotionally unstable themselves…
They are defending themselves with, “Well, as long as I don’t have to see the hurt, it at least won’t hurt ME as much”. Which in fact is BS, cause one day, that feeling will catch up with them and literally slam them face/heart first into the pavement, And how I know this? I had an 8 year relationship, that I cowardly ended on the phone, basically telling the guy I’d been engaged to for 8 years, that I was seeing someone else… (for only 3 days, but still wasn’t right to do…) 🙁 Did that new relationship work out? HELL NO… I ended it a week later… It was just a bandage and something to get courage from to leave a situation that was rapidly driving me over the edge…. Am I still paying for this some 20 years later? Yes… I am making amends and being the only person in my X’s (the one I dumped on the phone) life that gives a shit. I’m the one he calls in the middle of the night, crying and begging for help, I’m the one driving him to the ER/psych-ward etc, or just lending an ear when he needs it, so yeah, I’m paying for what I did and could kick myself in the ass till my foot feel off for doing things the way I did but, that doesn’t change the fact that I was in full panic mode and REALLY wanted out of that relationship but didn’t dare talk to him face to face out of fear that he would somehow “guilt me into” taking him back, so yeah, in one way I’m out of it but at the same time… I’m not… :'( Been single since then and have chosen to stay that way. It’s just NOT worth the hassle or heartbreak…
On a VERY serious note here… Those of you who choose to date/support/whatever someone that is depressed need to remember…. You CAN successfully help someone but you must NEVER EVER carry them… Sooner or later, you are not going to be able (be strong enough) to keep carrying them and you’ll drop them on their buts and they won’t have a clue as to how to get from where they’ve been dropped…. In other words… Help YES, Carry NO…. They need to walk on their own two feet, supporting them and cheering them on is OK and lots of time all they/we really need… Someone that believes in us and that we CAN DO IT!
I think it’s all a matter of personal perspective, it’s not a cut and dry thing. If you feel like you’re helping, you’re helping, and if you feel like you’re carrying, you’re carrying. If you feel like you’re carrying it’s because you’re reached a point where you feel like you’re doing more than you signed up for, or you’re doing more than you think is healthy. Unless you communicate this, the person being helped/carried is going to be oblivious to this. Setting boundaries for yourself and the other person will also make it clearer what is helping and what is carrying.
OK @Clay, @Fighting my PSTD demons, I would say I am carrying. So what do I do now? I can’t carry any longer… is there a way to “put” rather than “drop”? Or is there actually no alternative? I am completely stuck.
I don’t like to give advice beyond the unhelpfully vague so I will say that no one knows your situation better than you. Breaking up is usually ugly in any case and being in a situation where you have become the de facto carry-er will only make it worse. If the other person will not cooperate with a “put” that leaves you no alternative.
Was there one done on a depressed person feeling happy and the panicking and wondering when they’d feel depressed again?
Yes, it was one of the first strips done, but I can’t remember the number.
Okay, looked it up, it’s #26.
Okay, thanks. 🙂 Just went through that on the way home in fact.
I went through this with a few different people. And I did feel awful, but at the same time I couldn’t really believe they wanted me around anyway. When I’m depressed it really helps me for someone to come around and act like they care about me, and I can’t grok people who are the opposite and push everyone away. But I still feel bad about ending it.
Depression can make people feel that no one could ever care about them. When others say they do care, it comes across as a lie.
Also, intense feelings of loneliness are more painful when you’re with other people. The contrast between your internal emotional state and the external reality can be a terrible strain. Loneliness makes more sense when you’re alone.
The first step I took in escaping depression was to recognize that such thoughts and feelings were irrational. Something doesn’t become true simply because you feel that it’s true, no matter how intense that feeling may be.
Another stranger in a strange land 🙂
Can I offer you a glass of water… or would you just prefer the Kleenex?
Is the one who isn’t satellite character 13 a new character?
It’s her first appearance in this comic, but she’s a cameo character from a different comic.
Just had a six year engagement end for basically this reason. She didn’t bother to break up with me before scouting a new relationship, either, and carried on a three week affair before I found out.
Trying to tell myself that I’m better off but it still hurts.
That’s awful, I’m sorry to hear that. You are better off regardless — you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you — but that’s certainly not a classy way for her to end it.
241 http://t.co/AN7W5LlQC1 via @depressioncomix
It’s extremely difficult to date/live with/be married to/etc with someone that is deeply depressed. Ad to that, those of us that live with similar “demons” tend to attract the same in our partners “Laws of attraction” and all… It SUCKS big time but I’ve found that regardless of how good intentions one has when entering such a relationship, “YAY!! We’re gonna beat these demons together as a team!!”…. It seldom works out that way and is most of the time just wishful thinking and not wanting to feel so freakin alone with our inner demons… All we end up doing is dragging each other down further and further into the pit of angst…
There really is NO valid excuse in breaking up in a cowardly way, regardless of if you are the strongest person in the world, or, if you are just as hurt and vulnerable as the person you’ve been dating the past few (insert however long you’ve been together) years/months/whatever…
HOWEVER…. Sometimes, one reaches the point where one feels themselves backed into a corner with nowhere to turn and deep down panic sets in… Regardless of what one chooses to do, someone IS going to get hurt… Those are the times when the “ugly breakups” happen… Break-ups like, New boy/girlfriend before ending the previous, Break-up over the phone, letter/email, or heavens forbid SMS… Anything, as long as you don’t actually HAVE to SEE the hurt in the other persons eyes, because if you can’t see it, it won’t hurt YOU as much… and NO…. it does not make it right doing things this way but the person that wants out, is so desperate to get out of a situation they no longer can handle, they only want out and are so blind that they see no other way of ending things. Add to that, they are quite often emotionally unstable themselves…
They are defending themselves with, “Well, as long as I don’t have to see the hurt, it at least won’t hurt ME as much”. Which in fact is BS, cause one day, that feeling will catch up with them and literally slam them face/heart first into the pavement, And how I know this? I had an 8 year relationship, that I cowardly ended on the phone, basically telling the guy I’d been engaged to for 8 years, that I was seeing someone else… (for only 3 days, but still wasn’t right to do…) 🙁 Did that new relationship work out? HELL NO… I ended it a week later… It was just a bandage and something to get courage from to leave a situation that was rapidly driving me over the edge…. Am I still paying for this some 20 years later? Yes… I am making amends and being the only person in my X’s (the one I dumped on the phone) life that gives a shit. I’m the one he calls in the middle of the night, crying and begging for help, I’m the one driving him to the ER/psych-ward etc, or just lending an ear when he needs it, so yeah, I’m paying for what I did and could kick myself in the ass till my foot feel off for doing things the way I did but, that doesn’t change the fact that I was in full panic mode and REALLY wanted out of that relationship but didn’t dare talk to him face to face out of fear that he would somehow “guilt me into” taking him back, so yeah, in one way I’m out of it but at the same time… I’m not… :'(
Been single since then and have chosen to stay that way. It’s just NOT worth the hassle or heartbreak…
On a VERY serious note here… Those of you who choose to date/support/whatever someone that is depressed need to remember…. You CAN successfully help someone but you must NEVER EVER carry them… Sooner or later, you are not going to be able (be strong enough) to keep carrying them and you’ll drop them on their buts and they won’t have a clue as to how to get from where they’ve been dropped…. In other words… Help YES, Carry NO…. They need to walk on their own two feet, supporting them and cheering them on is OK and lots of time all they/we really need… Someone that believes in us and that we CAN DO IT!
Can you speak more about the difference between helping vs carrying? I think it is a very real point and I would appreciate some guidance.
I second this, A. @Fighting My PTSD Demons, I would like to know this too.
I think it’s all a matter of personal perspective, it’s not a cut and dry thing. If you feel like you’re helping, you’re helping, and if you feel like you’re carrying, you’re carrying. If you feel like you’re carrying it’s because you’re reached a point where you feel like you’re doing more than you signed up for, or you’re doing more than you think is healthy. Unless you communicate this, the person being helped/carried is going to be oblivious to this. Setting boundaries for yourself and the other person will also make it clearer what is helping and what is carrying.
I love/hate how relatable some of these comics are.
http://t.co/QJzsLKDBNK
OK @Clay, @Fighting my PSTD demons, I would say I am carrying. So what do I do now? I can’t carry any longer… is there a way to “put” rather than “drop”? Or is there actually no alternative? I am completely stuck.
I don’t like to give advice beyond the unhelpfully vague so I will say that no one knows your situation better than you. Breaking up is usually ugly in any case and being in a situation where you have become the de facto carry-er will only make it worse. If the other person will not cooperate with a “put” that leaves you no alternative.
AND YOU ARE.