I was reading a great article in the latest Psychology Today magazine about the importance of letting go in order to move forward (as opposed to finding happiness). It’s a huge exercise in CBT, but very interesting thought.
Then what do I do? If I don’t focus on happiness I fall into hopelessness… I’d rather stress with the slight, even false, hope over eventually being able to achieve it than just have to give up…
Nicole Taylor Morse the author of the research recommends instead to focus on short term accomplish-able goals. Happiness itself shouldn’t be the goal, it is said, do things that that you enjoy, don’t obsess over finding happiness (which is fleeting and elusive in itself).
Hear hear. You can drive yourself crazy worrying about what to do for the rest of your life, or for the rest of the year. Focus on what you’re doing this week, or just today, or even this minute. Take care of the small stuff, and the big stuff will generally take care of itself.
easily said. sometimes even the easiest goals are impossible. ive invested $1000s into my hobbies and it just seems all the more depressing that I do everything alone.
Andrew Strong funny that you should say that. Mauss has further research that says the quest for happiness often isolates people and makes them unhappier. http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2011-20238-001/
I have this exact same issue, but my own dealing with it is compounded by also having paranoia, anxiety, and Schizoid Personality Disorder. So I am not concerned with being happy, just being calm, and even getting to that point is wrought with overthinking, self doubt, an inability to relax, and a general indifference toward life itself.
When I am in a wave of depression on top of this, I see no point at all to keep on going. It’s kind of turned me into a Nihilist in the last few years.
It’s hard, but the first thing to do is learn to let go of the past, of the things that are holding you in your current state of discomfort. It’s not easy, and pretty much requires you to retrain your brain and your outlook… But once you start letting go of the smaller things, get over the hurdles your brain throws in your way even for those, get yourself to somewhere slightly unfamiliar, it starts gradually getting easier. That’s the theory, anyway. I’m still at step 0.5…
When you have it, there’s no need to focus on it. Just like physical health. It’s when you’re sick that you really value your health. It’s when your car breaks, that you really see how much you need it. etc
For me happiness did not come in like a lion it was little steps each day. For me it was not just meds but I started to eat real food not fast food. For me happiness comes from every good choice I make. I started to look at my body as a way to help my mind. It turned out for me that with every good choice my brain will focus on the positive steps and help me get out of the negative thoughts. I am in no way saying I still don’t get down but the lows just don’t seem so low anymore. Best of luck to you all and know we can do it together. If you feel alone reach out to someone. We are not alone in our feelings.
pure, true happiness and inner peace are innate and are never affected by the storms of life! …. to me, happiness is like a butterfly – try catching it and it will keep eluding u but relax and be still and it will land on your shoulder, of its own accord <3 Michelle Bhoolai Rhonda Francis Lock Jo-An Jacelon Lisa Kelshall
I have to agree with Anita on this one. All we’ve established with this research is a correlation between unhappiness and seeking happiness, which is obviously need fulfillment. I seek food when I’m hungry. I seek a bathroom when I need to pee. I seek pain relief when I’m in pain. I seek a job when I’m unemployed and broke. Trying to fulfill one’s needs is normal.
The only problem is that happiness is based on both physiological needs and perceived needs. Perceived needs are elusive and subjective. This is where the “just be happy” mentality comes from. An example would be a perceived need to be beautiful. When someone thinks they are ugly, they are creating a need to beautiful. Everyone has their own idea of what beautiful is, and it is often elusive because even if you make changes, it may never seem like enough.
For me it’s not so much “Why am I not happy like everyone else?” as “Why am I so freaking miserable?” But as always, thanks for the food for thought Clay, and for the freaking great comix. They kick ass, man.
Focusing on short term accomplishments doesn’t seem to work for me. They all are meaningless and vain if I can’t also cling to some kind of idealistic happiness or truth (which are both impossible to find). They just aren’t enough. It’s very interesting that this search for happiness ultimately leads to isolation and unhappiness. I just don’t know how to make short term accomplishments important and valuable to me. There must be something wrong in the way I engage in them, I have no idea
People that are happy most of the time don’t focus on happiness because it’s normal thing for them, much like people who are wealthy, and don’t worry about paying their bills. People that have very few moments of happines tend to think about them more and treasure them, in hopes when things get real hard, those nice memories will get them through
happiness, i found isn’t about feeling happy at all. it was a long process and took a lot of thinking things through. but it really was all about accepting my past choices as choices i made for reason that were important to me. to smash my hindsight goggles and looking at my past self as any other person in the same sort of situation. and becoming conscious about my own choices right here and now, to choose what feels right at this moment without worrying about the outcome because the reasons are more important.
it may not be the same for everyone. but this is what happiness is to me. making my own choices and standing for them. as well as forgiving my past self, because they were my own choices, not mistakes. and even if the choices were mistaken, they were mistaken judgments anyone in the same situation could have made.
the feeling of happiness eventually came with my increasing control over my own life. not from seeking happiness.
Jay.
This reminds me of a book called “The Happiness Trap.”
Ellen Ross, it’s actually science now. If you’re interested in the research, please check out the latest stuff from Iris Mauss.
True! No matter how hard you run, the happiness horizon just gets farther away. You capture that paradox well in your imagery.
Stephania, i don’t focus on happiness, nevertheless i feel like killing myself.
-jay was here!
I was reading a great article in the latest Psychology Today magazine about the importance of letting go in order to move forward (as opposed to finding happiness). It’s a huge exercise in CBT, but very interesting thought.
Then what do I do? If I don’t focus on happiness I fall into hopelessness… I’d rather stress with the slight, even false, hope over eventually being able to achieve it than just have to give up…
Nicole Taylor Morse the author of the research recommends instead to focus on short term accomplish-able goals. Happiness itself shouldn’t be the goal, it is said, do things that that you enjoy, don’t obsess over finding happiness (which is fleeting and elusive in itself).
Hear hear. You can drive yourself crazy worrying about what to do for the rest of your life, or for the rest of the year. Focus on what you’re doing this week, or just today, or even this minute. Take care of the small stuff, and the big stuff will generally take care of itself.
easily said. sometimes even the easiest goals are impossible. ive invested $1000s into my hobbies and it just seems all the more depressing that I do everything alone.
Andrew Strong funny that you should say that. Mauss has further research that says the quest for happiness often isolates people and makes them unhappier. http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2011-20238-001/
cool. happy to see they wont let me read it.
Here’s the pdf, courtesy of Google: http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~eerlab/pdf/papers/2012_Mauss_Pursuit_of_Happiness.pdf
Marissa-sue Rattansingh
fun. so how do you be happy without wanting to be happy?
So true
I have this exact same issue, but my own dealing with it is compounded by also having paranoia, anxiety, and Schizoid Personality Disorder. So I am not concerned with being happy, just being calm, and even getting to that point is wrought with overthinking, self doubt, an inability to relax, and a general indifference toward life itself.
When I am in a wave of depression on top of this, I see no point at all to keep on going. It’s kind of turned me into a Nihilist in the last few years.
It’s hard, but the first thing to do is learn to let go of the past, of the things that are holding you in your current state of discomfort. It’s not easy, and pretty much requires you to retrain your brain and your outlook… But once you start letting go of the smaller things, get over the hurdles your brain throws in your way even for those, get yourself to somewhere slightly unfamiliar, it starts gradually getting easier. That’s the theory, anyway. I’m still at step 0.5…
When you have it, there’s no need to focus on it. Just like physical health. It’s when you’re sick that you really value your health. It’s when your car breaks, that you really see how much you need it. etc
For me happiness did not come in like a lion it was little steps each day. For me it was not just meds but I started to eat real food not fast food. For me happiness comes from every good choice I make. I started to look at my body as a way to help my mind. It turned out for me that with every good choice my brain will focus on the positive steps and help me get out of the negative thoughts. I am in no way saying I still don’t get down but the lows just don’t seem so low anymore. Best of luck to you all and know we can do it together. If you feel alone reach out to someone. We are not alone in our feelings.
pure, true happiness and inner peace are innate and are never affected by the storms of life! …. to me, happiness is like a butterfly – try catching it and it will keep eluding u but relax and be still and it will land on your shoulder, of its own accord <3 Michelle Bhoolai Rhonda Francis Lock Jo-An Jacelon Lisa Kelshall
Felis D …. 1,000% full agreement!! love it!!!
Andrew Strong, this post isn’t really about becoming happy as much as stemming the behaviors that make us become worse.
#несреќнилуѓе… http://t.co/jf8J64r9RL
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I have to agree with Anita on this one. All we’ve established with this research is a correlation between unhappiness and seeking happiness, which is obviously need fulfillment. I seek food when I’m hungry. I seek a bathroom when I need to pee. I seek pain relief when I’m in pain. I seek a job when I’m unemployed and broke. Trying to fulfill one’s needs is normal.
The only problem is that happiness is based on both physiological needs and perceived needs. Perceived needs are elusive and subjective. This is where the “just be happy” mentality comes from. An example would be a perceived need to be beautiful. When someone thinks they are ugly, they are creating a need to beautiful. Everyone has their own idea of what beautiful is, and it is often elusive because even if you make changes, it may never seem like enough.
For me it’s not so much “Why am I not happy like everyone else?” as “Why am I so freaking miserable?” But as always, thanks for the food for thought Clay, and for the freaking great comix. They kick ass, man.
Focusing on short term accomplishments doesn’t seem to work for me. They all are meaningless and vain if I can’t also cling to some kind of idealistic happiness or truth (which are both impossible to find). They just aren’t enough.
It’s very interesting that this search for happiness ultimately leads to isolation and unhappiness. I just don’t know how to make short term accomplishments important and valuable to me. There must be something wrong in the way I engage in them, I have no idea
People that are happy most of the time don’t focus on happiness because it’s normal thing for them, much like people who are wealthy, and don’t worry about paying their bills. People that have very few moments of happines tend to think about them more and treasure them, in hopes when things get real hard, those nice memories will get them through
People who focus on happiness are less likely to achieve it. http://t.co/GlXBo1uHlp
happiness, i found isn’t about feeling happy at all.
it was a long process and took a lot of thinking things through.
but it really was all about accepting my past choices as choices i made for reason that were important to me.
to smash my hindsight goggles and looking at my past self as any other person in the same sort of situation.
and becoming conscious about my own choices right here and now, to choose what feels right at this moment without worrying about the outcome because the reasons are more important.
it may not be the same for everyone. but this is what happiness is to me.
making my own choices and standing for them. as well as forgiving my past self, because they were my own choices, not mistakes.
and even if the choices were mistaken, they were mistaken judgments anyone in the same situation could have made.
the feeling of happiness eventually came with my increasing control over my own life.
not from seeking happiness.