Christina, if you follow the reference at the bottom, it says that the findings were inconclusive earlier than sixth grade. It may certainly happen, but the evidence isn’t in the study.
I find bullying an interesting topic in terms of what triggers it. Depression kicked in during my later years of high school, and I feel that it was due to a deep fear that my future was bleak and meaningless. I was always the odd duck: shy, quiet, alone, did weird things. The stereotypical bully victim? But I never felt like I was bullied. The people around me were either nice or indifferent towards me, and I was always nice to others. I know other people similar to me have had opposite experiences where they were bullied by others because they were “different”. Nowadays, it is a social taboo to have even the slightest implication that the victim is the slightest bit to blame. I believe bullying is never justified, but after hearing other’s stories and comparing it to my experience, I can’t help but wonder, does it take two to tango?
Kai Lin Khoo, studies of bully behavior to not suggest that victims instigate the harassment, in fact, most victims shy away from social contact and try their best to avoid the bully as best as they can. Hence, it seems really bizarre to suggest that they “ask for it”. In fact, the whole idea that victims of any kind of harassment or physical abuse ask for it is irresponsible, lacking in empathy, and is clearly designed to let people off the hook for their awful behavior.
depression comix, I wasn’t talking about it ending the bullying directly, I meant treatment for the depression would be more accessible, therefore curbing the bullying you mentioned in the strip… if that makes any sense… I have trouble getting my point across sometimes.
As I said, I don’t believe any bullying is justified, and I don’t think anyone asks for it. No study would ever suggest that the victim was “asking for it” because I can’t imagine any way to get a reliable study on such a topic. But when you say they “try their best to avoid the bully” indicates that someone has been identified as a bully, why? Why are they avoiding this person? Or is everyone automatically a bully until proven otherwise? I’m curious how someone is transformed from “random person” to “bully”. If someone makes a comment ridiculing my hat (I used to wear a wide-brimmed hat in school, everyone else either wore no hat or baseball caps), I could either ignore them and pretend I didn’t hear them, or I could make a scene by getting visibly angry. Whatever the other person said/did to me is uncalled for, and in no way justifies bullying. But I would choose to ignore and pretend I didn’t hear them.
Kai Lin Khoo: Bullies choose people they think are weak or inferior, and then bully them. It’s that simple. In your example, the person ridiculing your hat would be a bully.
Kai Lin Khoo: Ignoring the bully? Why, what a novel idea! If only I would have thought of that when my classmates tried to drown me in a swimming pool by kicking me in the throat and laughing while I was underwater! If only I would have thought to ignore them when two of them rushed at me from opposing sides to kick me in the stomach so I couldn’t fight them off at the same time.
Why I deserved that? Because I was fat and shy, of course. Even my teacher told me so.
Kindly fuck off with your “two to tango” bullshit.
Yeah, and the really good part is when the administration blames you for inviting the bullying: “You know, they only pick on you because you react. You need to stop reacting and then they’d leave you alone.” (from actual conversation with my middle school vice principal)
“You know, they only pick on you because you react. You need to stop reacting and then they’d leave you alone.”
Those of us who’ve been through it know that that’s ridiculous. If you ignore the bullies, they step up the abuse, either to see how far they can go or because they’re amused at your supposed indifference. I have never heard of any real-life case where bullying stopped because the victim ignored the bully.
And for some reason, the ones in charge of schools just don’t comprehend it, even though bullying has been going on for generations. So they blame the victim, which makes no sense whatsoever (who actually *wants* to be verbally abused or physically beaten up?!) And the cycle continues… 🙁
When I was a kid, I developed the Pink Seagull Hypothesis, named after an experiment I read about. See, if you catch a perfectly healthy seagull that is a well-integrated member of its flock, paint it pink, and let it go, the other flock members will get together and attack it. So, I concluded, some people are just plain born to be pink seagulls. There is nothing actually wrong with them, except that they have big flashing neon pink seagull-shaped signs over their heads that continuously proclaim, “FREE TARGET, PLEASE ENJOY,” and no matter what they do, they can’t turn off the signs, and it is perfectly natural and normal for anybody who isn’t a pink seagull to attack anybody who is, hence the utter lack of help and in some cases punishment for seeking help on the part of the teachers. Therefore, everywhere I went, I had to be very, very careful to be as conventional as I could possibly be, because any tiny sign of difference and everybody around me would realize, “Hey, pink seagull!” and attack. Of course, the other kids at school had noticed this long before I did, so there was no way to stop them from attacking me, but there was always the chance, the hope, that my hypothesis was not correct, and so I would try over and over to connect with new people. But I was a neglected child, suffering undiagnosed PTSD as well as depression, and also on the spectrum, so inevitably the pink would show, and I would acquire another attacker. Just getting to school in the morning felt like walking up to a killer dog.
So you left something out of the spiral: the (additional in my case) PTSD caused by being driven away from human contact simply for being who you are, which makes you weirder through lack of practice at the social thing, which lays you open to be even more of a target, which . . . Anyway, years and thousands of dollars later, I realize that the Pink Seagull Hypothesis is not true, but it sure explained the world then.
I remember feeling safe in church; my church experience was of being safe and more or less listened to, and nobody was a pink seagull there. However, I couldn’t translate what I learned in church to the world I had to endure 30 hours per week in school and an hour before and after every day. I remember telling somebody that they were sinning against me. They laughed and pushed me down again and kicked me in the ribs for good measure. So I accepted that there was a huge swath of my life in which there was no right or wrong, no matter what the teachers or the preachers said: only power.
But if the Pink Seagull Hypothesis were true, then everywhere in the world would be just like 1970s/1980s American public schools. It was the culture around me that identified certain children as targets. This realization was one of the things that prompted me to homeschool, since I have seen no cultural change in the local school system where I did my time. One of the proudest moments in my life so far was the day my daughters, after some gentle coaching by me, stood up to the neighborhood bully and told her that they did not have to be nice to her, they did not have to let her be around them, and even if she said she was sorry yet again, they were not going to play with her and leave themselves open to her bullying behavior ever again. And they made it stick! At their respective ages, I was contemplating suicide, partly due to a teacher having punished me for daring to plead for help against the worst bullies–out loud, in front of witnesses. So she punished me out loud, in front of witnesses. I hope you remember that and writhe, Mrs. Nuttall, wherever you are. Meanwhile, my children are exactly as pink as they want to be and nobody gets away with dissing them for it!
Like I said, social taboo. Just to clarify, I think any act of bullying is wrong and noone should bully others for any reason, but if there are preventative measures that can be taken, then why not explore those too? Emotional reactions such as the one above only serve to stifle true discussion of serious issues (kind of like how an argument between partners goes unresolved because one person cries so the other backs off, but nothing gets resolved in the end). Jessica, as for your situation, I don’t know you, I don’t know the people who bullied you, I don’t know what happened prior to the incident you described, so I’m not even going to go there. But can you honestly say that for every victim of bullying, there was absolutely nothing that they could have reasonably avoided doing/saying to prevent their predicament? Yes, some people are assaulted for absolutely no reason at all, and I’m guessing that in such cases, the perpetrators themselves have mental issues of their own. But hypothetically speaking, if someone shoves me and says “You’re a loser!”, what is the wiser option? Thinking to myself “Who cares what they think”, remain silent and move away from the bully, or shove them back and shout “You’re a pathetic bully”. Yes, this bully may continue to torment me regardless of what I do, but I would say the chances of that happening are greater with the second option. Consider this: we teach children about stranger danger, does this mean we are blaming children for being abducted?
Kai Lin Khoo: Actually, research data suggests that people who fight back against their bullies get bullied less. They’ve researched all kinds of responses kids can make–better social skills, makeovers, asking teachers for help, ignoring it, whatever–and NONE OF THEM reduced their risk of bullying. NOTHING HELPED. (Except fighting back, which researchers don’t like to recommend.)
We have TRIED to find ways kids can reduce their risk of being bullied, AND HAVEN’T FOUND ANY. Kids are mostly bullied for things they can’t help–mental or physical disability, appearance, gender, income. Your advice is the same bad advice we’ve given for years AND IT DOESN’T WORK.
If being quiet and ignoring it helped, I would recommend that to every kid I know. But it doesn’t.
Ah, didn’t realise there were more comments on Tumblr, thanks for the link, it is an interesting read, especially the part about how anti-bullying programs seem to fail at stopping bullying once it has started (of course, it doesn’t mean we should stop finding ways to do so). I think it is similar to the social problem of smoking. Once someone is addicted, it is an uphill battle to get them to stop. You can educate them about why smoking is bad for themselves and the wider community, but either they don’t care or are too addicted to stop. This is why in addition to stopping existing problems, it is important to look at ways to prevent the problem arising.
I hope I’m not too late for the discussion? Basically, I just wanted to kind of add onto Khai Lin Khoo’s question “does it take two to tango?”
Kai Lin, I actually feel you on that one. I don’t want to sound mean/rude to anyone and don’t want to offend anyone, but I do believe that it does indeed take two to tango. Because, the way I look at it, it all comes down to people’s attitudes.
I was bullied in elementary school, for 4 years (basically from middle till I finished it and entered high school) constantly, like on a daily basis. People kept telling me horrible things, that I need to die and every time I’d stand up for myself, they’d tell me to go home to cut myself or go kill myself. Did I do any of those things? No. I knew what they were saying to me is bullshit. HOWEVER, at that time, did I hate them and myself for it? Yeah, I did. Because I couldn’t grasp as to why would someone be like that to another person for no reason at all. They simply hated me because I was different, because I liked to excessively draw and loved manga and anime and punk rock music. There were rumors going around school that I was apparently suicidal because I listening to Linkin Park. And for all that time, I did feel like a victim but I didn’t technically feel pathetic. I don’t know how to explain it. They hated me so I hated them. So yeah, I was bullied, I took it in, I did withdrawn from people, spent more time on the internet than actually socializing. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t feel like I had to tell anyone because it was “all on me”, because it was “my thing” (I don’t know, I also had some weird ass emo phase going on).
In high school though, I realized things. I realized it was indeed very wrong of them (people in elementary) to bully me and it does not justify it, but I realized I wasn’t any better at handling it, nor much better than them really (because how does it make me a better person wishing for their death as they wished for mine?). I realized that what everything happened (to me) was just a poor matter of circumstance. I would have handled it MUCH BETTER now than then. But back then, I didn’t know exactly how. I ignored them, or well “ignored” them, because even though I was not responding to them directly, they could see it on my face. When I fought back, they could see the fear behind me, not confidence. And that was the thing they fed on. I was giving them exactly what they wanted by indulging in their activity, whether actively or non-actively responding to it. I realized that the way I acted, the way I defied (because it was a circle of that, it was a circle of hate) them was harming me also, I dare even say maybe even more than they were /actually/ harming me. I realized that, they too were most likely people with problems of their own and didn’t know how to handle them and just acted the best they could in their heads, just as how I acted the best I could in mine. Realizing and knowing that, I just let those things go. Before I hated literally everything, now I only hate myself from time to time (because what do ya know, I do too suffer from depression and am seeing a therapist about it as well as other problems I have).
I’m not blaming them fully for what they did, because even though it was a matter of their choice, it was also a matter of growing up. I blame myself more for actually letting them go that far/for letting them take control and for letting all of it affect me so much (like I was taking everything so personally) and for letting myself running away from it (like, as they bullied me, I grew more anti social and now, at 19 years old I have great problems with people. I was not bullied in high school, but what I learned in elementary school, the “survival kit” I formed from those negative experiences, I continued it throughout my education and it brought me more trouble. Because every time someone would tease me on occasion just for the sake of a simple joke (they didn’t mean any harm), I would instantly jump at my feet and hiss because I thought they wanted to harm me because I learned from elementary that people were out to get me and harm me) All of that, that’s on me and I can’t blame anyone else for it really.
And I know depression is a terrible disease and it tells you lies and makes you feel like shit for no reason and sometimes makes you believe something that’s completely untrue, but I know that I did those actions (being less social with people, just being to myself etc) consciously, I chose to do them because I didn’t know any better. When I was bullied, I was actually just semi-depressed so to say, my full-on depression came much later. Just to clarify.
SO IN SHORT (I am so sorry for this being so long btw), I think the “ideal” way to stop bullying would be if we actually put people of authority to really deal with it and to help victims but to also ‘help’ bullies? To make them understand what they’re doing is wrong and to also make them take full responsibility for their actions and if they have problems of their own, to also help with that. And also, most of all, to educate about it, so that we could prevent it in the first place. I know and understand bullying is wrong, and there is no excuse for it, but I also don’t think that everything is so /strictly/ black-and-white about it. Because my bullies hated me for my “difference”, they didn’t know how to deal with it because they couldn’t understand it, so they went with the “offence is the best defense” because they most likely picked up from early age that when you see or confront something ‘strange’ you “attack it” before “it attacks you”, because you don’t know how it’s going to react so in the end, you’re just looking out for yourself. And when you look at it, it’s just sad how many people will take “offence is the best defense” to a whole new level just because they refuse to open minded about simple things.
I have a real problem with the “it takes two to tango” stance because the victim isn’t looking for a dance partner and nor do they want to dance.
Imagine getting a random punch in the face just because you’re you. You don’t know why it happens and you don’t know how to protect yourself (or if you could protect yourself). That’s what living with bullies is like, and yeah, occasionally it is a literal punch in the face.
And if you can’t find a way to protect yourself from this, you shouldn’t be blamed. It’s not your fault that you can’t figure out how to protect yourself from an aggressor who has a need to hurt you for reasons they can’t even explain.
There just is no tango here. You’re just being dragged onto the dance floor and thrown around and left there when they’re finished with you. That’s what it is.
Bullying took my already unstable educational career and railroaded it into the ground. Sixth grade was when I literally became -the- target of the grade for bullying and when any love towards school and effort towards doing well in it vanished and was replaced with a constant fear and self loathing.
I don’t think that’s necessarily the point of my life at which I started to see things through a filter of depression, but I do know the continuing years of that with the eventual complete anonymity high school brings helped mold me into the fragile emotional bomb I am today.
I side with depression comix. Nail on the head for me. The argument that “they are bullying you and it is your fault for not changing your attitude/standing up to it/etc” is ridiculous because at the end of the day they shouldn’t be bullying you, end of.
It’s like a really weird form of the sort of victim blaming you get for rape victims (“you got raped? Wait, were you wearing a skirt? Ah, that’s why. Don’t wear skirts and it won’t happen again…” ignoring the fact that somebody raped them…)
Which is why it would be preferable for bullies to be expelled from school on their first offense. We try to humanize them, come up with excuses for the way they act, treat them like human being’s despite how they treat their victims like their worth less than a dog on the street. Maybe if we were a little bit more iron clad with the consequences of their behavior, we could stamp out the problem entirely.
I’d say even earlier.
it starts from the household … from the day of birth ..
Christina, if you follow the reference at the bottom, it says that the findings were inconclusive earlier than sixth grade. It may certainly happen, but the evidence isn’t in the study.
Also would be a big help if everyone had access to decent medical care at an affordable price.
Great comic as always, it’s astonishing how much depression goes undiagnosed.
PD: That looks like swearing guy, don’t tell me it wasn’t intentional.
Steven D Henry, I am unsure how affordable medical care would stop bullying.
We had a bully in grade one.
I outsmarted him with my brilliant brain.
MY personal experinces, earlier children can start bullying rather early especially if the behavior is learned intolerance.
I find bullying an interesting topic in terms of what triggers it. Depression kicked in during my later years of high school, and I feel that it was due to a deep fear that my future was bleak and meaningless. I was always the odd duck: shy, quiet, alone, did weird things. The stereotypical bully victim? But I never felt like I was bullied. The people around me were either nice or indifferent towards me, and I was always nice to others. I know other people similar to me have had opposite experiences where they were bullied by others because they were “different”. Nowadays, it is a social taboo to have even the slightest implication that the victim is the slightest bit to blame. I believe bullying is never justified, but after hearing other’s stories and comparing it to my experience, I can’t help but wonder, does it take two to tango?
Kai Lin Khoo, studies of bully behavior to not suggest that victims instigate the harassment, in fact, most victims shy away from social contact and try their best to avoid the bully as best as they can. Hence, it seems really bizarre to suggest that they “ask for it”. In fact, the whole idea that victims of any kind of harassment or physical abuse ask for it is irresponsible, lacking in empathy, and is clearly designed to let people off the hook for their awful behavior.
depression comix, I wasn’t talking about it ending the bullying directly, I meant treatment for the depression would be more accessible, therefore curbing the bullying you mentioned in the strip… if that makes any sense… I have trouble getting my point across sometimes.
As I said, I don’t believe any bullying is justified, and I don’t think anyone asks for it. No study would ever suggest that the victim was “asking for it” because I can’t imagine any way to get a reliable study on such a topic. But when you say they “try their best to avoid the bully” indicates that someone has been identified as a bully, why? Why are they avoiding this person? Or is everyone automatically a bully until proven otherwise? I’m curious how someone is transformed from “random person” to “bully”. If someone makes a comment ridiculing my hat (I used to wear a wide-brimmed hat in school, everyone else either wore no hat or baseball caps), I could either ignore them and pretend I didn’t hear them, or I could make a scene by getting visibly angry. Whatever the other person said/did to me is uncalled for, and in no way justifies bullying. But I would choose to ignore and pretend I didn’t hear them.
Kai Lin Khoo: Bullies choose people they think are weak or inferior, and then bully them. It’s that simple. In your example, the person ridiculing your hat would be a bully.
Kai Lin Khoo: Ignoring the bully? Why, what a novel idea! If only I would have thought of that when my classmates tried to drown me in a swimming pool by kicking me in the throat and laughing while I was underwater! If only I would have thought to ignore them when two of them rushed at me from opposing sides to kick me in the stomach so I couldn’t fight them off at the same time.
Why I deserved that? Because I was fat and shy, of course. Even my teacher told me so.
Kindly fuck off with your “two to tango” bullshit.
Yeah, and the really good part is when the administration blames you for inviting the bullying: “You know, they only pick on you because you react. You need to stop reacting and then they’d leave you alone.” (from actual conversation with my middle school vice principal)
“You know, they only pick on you because you react. You need to stop reacting and then they’d leave you alone.”
Those of us who’ve been through it know that that’s ridiculous. If you ignore the bullies, they step up the abuse, either to see how far they can go or because they’re amused at your supposed indifference. I have never heard of any real-life case where bullying stopped because the victim ignored the bully.
And for some reason, the ones in charge of schools just don’t comprehend it, even though bullying has been going on for generations. So they blame the victim, which makes no sense whatsoever (who actually *wants* to be verbally abused or physically beaten up?!) And the cycle continues… 🙁
Yup…….
When I was a kid, I developed the Pink Seagull Hypothesis, named after an experiment I read about. See, if you catch a perfectly healthy seagull that is a well-integrated member of its flock, paint it pink, and let it go, the other flock members will get together and attack it. So, I concluded, some people are just plain born to be pink seagulls. There is nothing actually wrong with them, except that they have big flashing neon pink seagull-shaped signs over their heads that continuously proclaim, “FREE TARGET, PLEASE ENJOY,” and no matter what they do, they can’t turn off the signs, and it is perfectly natural and normal for anybody who isn’t a pink seagull to attack anybody who is, hence the utter lack of help and in some cases punishment for seeking help on the part of the teachers. Therefore, everywhere I went, I had to be very, very careful to be as conventional as I could possibly be, because any tiny sign of difference and everybody around me would realize, “Hey, pink seagull!” and attack. Of course, the other kids at school had noticed this long before I did, so there was no way to stop them from attacking me, but there was always the chance, the hope, that my hypothesis was not correct, and so I would try over and over to connect with new people. But I was a neglected child, suffering undiagnosed PTSD as well as depression, and also on the spectrum, so inevitably the pink would show, and I would acquire another attacker. Just getting to school in the morning felt like walking up to a killer dog.
So you left something out of the spiral: the (additional in my case) PTSD caused by being driven away from human contact simply for being who you are, which makes you weirder through lack of practice at the social thing, which lays you open to be even more of a target, which . . . Anyway, years and thousands of dollars later, I realize that the Pink Seagull Hypothesis is not true, but it sure explained the world then.
> and it is perfectly natural and normal for anybody who isn’t a pink seagull to attack anybody who is
Back then, in your mind, did that make men like Jesus, Buddha, and Gandhi pink seagulls themselves ?
Or was there really such a thing as “righteous men”?
> Anyway, years and thousands of dollars later, I realize that the Pink Seagull Hypothesis is not true
So what is the “truth”?
I remember feeling safe in church; my church experience was of being safe and more or less listened to, and nobody was a pink seagull there. However, I couldn’t translate what I learned in church to the world I had to endure 30 hours per week in school and an hour before and after every day. I remember telling somebody that they were sinning against me. They laughed and pushed me down again and kicked me in the ribs for good measure. So I accepted that there was a huge swath of my life in which there was no right or wrong, no matter what the teachers or the preachers said: only power.
But if the Pink Seagull Hypothesis were true, then everywhere in the world would be just like 1970s/1980s American public schools. It was the culture around me that identified certain children as targets. This realization was one of the things that prompted me to homeschool, since I have seen no cultural change in the local school system where I did my time. One of the proudest moments in my life so far was the day my daughters, after some gentle coaching by me, stood up to the neighborhood bully and told her that they did not have to be nice to her, they did not have to let her be around them, and even if she said she was sorry yet again, they were not going to play with her and leave themselves open to her bullying behavior ever again. And they made it stick! At their respective ages, I was contemplating suicide, partly due to a teacher having punished me for daring to plead for help against the worst bullies–out loud, in front of witnesses. So she punished me out loud, in front of witnesses. I hope you remember that and writhe, Mrs. Nuttall, wherever you are. Meanwhile, my children are exactly as pink as they want to be and nobody gets away with dissing them for it!
Like I said, social taboo. Just to clarify, I think any act of bullying is wrong and noone should bully others for any reason, but if there are preventative measures that can be taken, then why not explore those too? Emotional reactions such as the one above only serve to stifle true discussion of serious issues (kind of like how an argument between partners goes unresolved because one person cries so the other backs off, but nothing gets resolved in the end). Jessica, as for your situation, I don’t know you, I don’t know the people who bullied you, I don’t know what happened prior to the incident you described, so I’m not even going to go there. But can you honestly say that for every victim of bullying, there was absolutely nothing that they could have reasonably avoided doing/saying to prevent their predicament? Yes, some people are assaulted for absolutely no reason at all, and I’m guessing that in such cases, the perpetrators themselves have mental issues of their own. But hypothetically speaking, if someone shoves me and says “You’re a loser!”, what is the wiser option? Thinking to myself “Who cares what they think”, remain silent and move away from the bully, or shove them back and shout “You’re a pathetic bully”. Yes, this bully may continue to torment me regardless of what I do, but I would say the chances of that happening are greater with the second option. Consider this: we teach children about stranger danger, does this mean we are blaming children for being abducted?
Thank you,Clay. Just thank you.
Kai Lin Khoo: Actually, research data suggests that people who fight back against their bullies get bullied less. They’ve researched all kinds of responses kids can make–better social skills, makeovers, asking teachers for help, ignoring it, whatever–and NONE OF THEM reduced their risk of bullying. NOTHING HELPED. (Except fighting back, which researchers don’t like to recommend.)
We have TRIED to find ways kids can reduce their risk of being bullied, AND HAVEN’T FOUND ANY. Kids are mostly bullied for things they can’t help–mental or physical disability, appearance, gender, income. Your advice is the same bad advice we’ve given for years AND IT DOESN’T WORK.
If being quiet and ignoring it helped, I would recommend that to every kid I know. But it doesn’t.
Ps. What reduces risk of bullying is changing school culture so that bullying isn’t tolerated or seen as “cool”. But there is very little the victim acting alone can do be safer. Although on Tumblr people are discussing ways to reduce harm from bullying: http://star-anise.tumblr.com/post/92198403719/depressioncomix-quidsquid-depressioncomix
Ah, didn’t realise there were more comments on Tumblr, thanks for the link, it is an interesting read, especially the part about how anti-bullying programs seem to fail at stopping bullying once it has started (of course, it doesn’t mean we should stop finding ways to do so). I think it is similar to the social problem of smoking. Once someone is addicted, it is an uphill battle to get them to stop. You can educate them about why smoking is bad for themselves and the wider community, but either they don’t care or are too addicted to stop. This is why in addition to stopping existing problems, it is important to look at ways to prevent the problem arising.
I hope I’m not too late for the discussion? Basically, I just wanted to kind of add onto Khai Lin Khoo’s question “does it take two to tango?”
Kai Lin, I actually feel you on that one. I don’t want to sound mean/rude to anyone and don’t want to offend anyone, but I do believe that it does indeed take two to tango. Because, the way I look at it, it all comes down to people’s attitudes.
I was bullied in elementary school, for 4 years (basically from middle till I finished it and entered high school) constantly, like on a daily basis. People kept telling me horrible things, that I need to die and every time I’d stand up for myself, they’d tell me to go home to cut myself or go kill myself. Did I do any of those things? No. I knew what they were saying to me is bullshit. HOWEVER, at that time, did I hate them and myself for it? Yeah, I did. Because I couldn’t grasp as to why would someone be like that to another person for no reason at all. They simply hated me because I was different, because I liked to excessively draw and loved manga and anime and punk rock music. There were rumors going around school that I was apparently suicidal because I listening to Linkin Park. And for all that time, I did feel like a victim but I didn’t technically feel pathetic. I don’t know how to explain it. They hated me so I hated them. So yeah, I was bullied, I took it in, I did withdrawn from people, spent more time on the internet than actually socializing. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t feel like I had to tell anyone because it was “all on me”, because it was “my thing” (I don’t know, I also had some weird ass emo phase going on).
In high school though, I realized things. I realized it was indeed very wrong of them (people in elementary) to bully me and it does not justify it, but I realized I wasn’t any better at handling it, nor much better than them really (because how does it make me a better person wishing for their death as they wished for mine?). I realized that what everything happened (to me) was just a poor matter of circumstance. I would have handled it MUCH BETTER now than then. But back then, I didn’t know exactly how. I ignored them, or well “ignored” them, because even though I was not responding to them directly, they could see it on my face. When I fought back, they could see the fear behind me, not confidence. And that was the thing they fed on. I was giving them exactly what they wanted by indulging in their activity, whether actively or non-actively responding to it. I realized that the way I acted, the way I defied (because it was a circle of that, it was a circle of hate) them was harming me also, I dare even say maybe even more than they were /actually/ harming me. I realized that, they too were most likely people with problems of their own and didn’t know how to handle them and just acted the best they could in their heads, just as how I acted the best I could in mine. Realizing and knowing that, I just let those things go. Before I hated literally everything, now I only hate myself from time to time (because what do ya know, I do too suffer from depression and am seeing a therapist about it as well as other problems I have).
I’m not blaming them fully for what they did, because even though it was a matter of their choice, it was also a matter of growing up. I blame myself more for actually letting them go that far/for letting them take control and for letting all of it affect me so much (like I was taking everything so personally) and for letting myself running away from it (like, as they bullied me, I grew more anti social and now, at 19 years old I have great problems with people. I was not bullied in high school, but what I learned in elementary school, the “survival kit” I formed from those negative experiences, I continued it throughout my education and it brought me more trouble. Because every time someone would tease me on occasion just for the sake of a simple joke (they didn’t mean any harm), I would instantly jump at my feet and hiss because I thought they wanted to harm me because I learned from elementary that people were out to get me and harm me) All of that, that’s on me and I can’t blame anyone else for it really.
And I know depression is a terrible disease and it tells you lies and makes you feel like shit for no reason and sometimes makes you believe something that’s completely untrue, but I know that I did those actions (being less social with people, just being to myself etc) consciously, I chose to do them because I didn’t know any better. When I was bullied, I was actually just semi-depressed so to say, my full-on depression came much later. Just to clarify.
SO IN SHORT (I am so sorry for this being so long btw), I think the “ideal” way to stop bullying would be if we actually put people of authority to really deal with it and to help victims but to also ‘help’ bullies? To make them understand what they’re doing is wrong and to also make them take full responsibility for their actions and if they have problems of their own, to also help with that. And also, most of all, to educate about it, so that we could prevent it in the first place. I know and understand bullying is wrong, and there is no excuse for it, but I also don’t think that everything is so /strictly/ black-and-white about it. Because my bullies hated me for my “difference”, they didn’t know how to deal with it because they couldn’t understand it, so they went with the “offence is the best defense” because they most likely picked up from early age that when you see or confront something ‘strange’ you “attack it” before “it attacks you”, because you don’t know how it’s going to react so in the end, you’re just looking out for yourself. And when you look at it, it’s just sad how many people will take “offence is the best defense” to a whole new level just because they refuse to open minded about simple things.
I have a real problem with the “it takes two to tango” stance because the victim isn’t looking for a dance partner and nor do they want to dance.
Imagine getting a random punch in the face just because you’re you. You don’t know why it happens and you don’t know how to protect yourself (or if you could protect yourself). That’s what living with bullies is like, and yeah, occasionally it is a literal punch in the face.
And if you can’t find a way to protect yourself from this, you shouldn’t be blamed. It’s not your fault that you can’t figure out how to protect yourself from an aggressor who has a need to hurt you for reasons they can’t even explain.
There just is no tango here. You’re just being dragged onto the dance floor and thrown around and left there when they’re finished with you. That’s what it is.
Bullying took my already unstable educational career and railroaded it into the ground. Sixth grade was when I literally became -the- target of the grade for bullying and when any love towards school and effort towards doing well in it vanished and was replaced with a constant fear and self loathing.
I don’t think that’s necessarily the point of my life at which I started to see things through a filter of depression, but I do know the continuing years of that with the eventual complete anonymity high school brings helped mold me into the fragile emotional bomb I am today.
Thanks as always for the comic.
I side with depression comix. Nail on the head for me. The argument that “they are bullying you and it is your fault for not changing your attitude/standing up to it/etc” is ridiculous because at the end of the day they shouldn’t be bullying you, end of.
It’s like a really weird form of the sort of victim blaming you get for rape victims (“you got raped? Wait, were you wearing a skirt? Ah, that’s why. Don’t wear skirts and it won’t happen again…” ignoring the fact that somebody raped them…)
Amalita, exactly!!! It’s victim blaming, and it takes the focus away from the real problem: the violent and vicious people that need to be stopped.
this = depression
depression comix https://t.co/CefjQF6fii
6th? Try 1st…
Which is why it would be preferable for bullies to be expelled from school on their first offense. We try to humanize them, come up with excuses for the way they act, treat them like human being’s despite how they treat their victims like their worth less than a dog on the street. Maybe if we were a little bit more iron clad with the consequences of their behavior, we could stamp out the problem entirely.