And the dark humor of how I’m someone’s child, part of someone’s family, someone’s friend and yet I’m okay with the ideation towards myself in those moments.
Never been tempted to swerve into traffic for precisely this reason. When I wanted to kill myself, I always wanted to do it in a way that would hurt no one but me.
But how would I do that? My parents would probably be the ones to find the body. I’ve been nothing but a useless burden to them alive, but what would it do to them if they found me dead like that? Do I keep hurting them by staying alive or hurt them in a new way by killing myself?
So I stayed alive, loathing myself for it while also loathing myself for thinking of suicide. No matter what I was thinking, there was always lots of room for self-hatred.
19 years old, driving home, on a bridge that curved a bit…all I had to do was *not* turn and I’d go off of it. Last second thought in my head, that my dad would be pissed that I’d destroy his car… yea, i’ve been here too.
I think the worst part is that when you think like this and try to explain to people that you have suicidal thoughts but due to your own nagging guilt have never been able to go through with it; I’ve found a lot of times they don’t believe me. Times like that it gets harder for guilt to be enough.
Great comic, as always. Some relate and others don’t. This one did in a big way.
I don’t *think* I’ve ever had that thought about swerving into the other lane… but I have had a number involving driving into walls or off the end of boating slips. If it weren’t for the love of my car – which I hope will still be on the road after I’m gone – there are times I would have done it.
…that’s a sign of being seriously messed up, isn’t it? Love of one’s car more than one’s self?
I, an engineer, had it all pretty well figured out.
Requirements: Nobody hurt but me, the end comes quickly, and the insurance pays off so that spouse is much better off.
Plan: [not disclosed].
To my amazement and dismay, when I revealed the plan to her, she completely nixed it. Bummer.
A couple of months later I stumbled into a research project at Wayne State where I got a diagnosis and some treatment. Thirty years later I still have some of the ideation, but not making any concrete plans.
Every single time I think, this is it, I’m done. And I think of the lives destroyed with my loss, so I don’t, and hate myself for being selfless, and feel guilty for hating that I’m not selfish enough to end my pain even if it hurts too many around me.
This is so spot on. I do this with walking into traffic. Or I pray something will swerve onto the sidewalk and kill me. So long as my dog isn’t with me so she doesn’t get hurt . Really breaks my heart, that I really do want this.
I know this feeling well. Driving is pretty much the only activity that has remained enjoyable for me through several ups and downs so far, but for some time I was scared of driving. Afraid that I would lose focus for just one second and subconciously swerve into the oncoming traffic. I still remember that one time when I was accelerating to pass a car in front of me on a highway (Germany, Autobahn) and almost panicked because I got much closer than I felt comfortable before changing into the passing lane. I was going 140, the other car 90 at most. That memory still sends shivers down my spine. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if my best friend hadn’t been in the car with me that night.
well not to oncoming traffic but definitely thought about ramming my car to a wall or something. and if it’s not an immediate death, i also told myself that i won’t even try to stay alive.
I drive over a bridge twice a day, and along with some wooded areas down a steep embankment, where the likelyhood of harming anyone is almost nil. I also used to work 2nd shift when the drive was nice and dark @ night, with a lot of deer that could be cited as a reason why I swerved so sharply. So everyday, it took everything I had to keep my wheels on the road on my way home.
miss … ponytail glasses, some evil is needed and if you weren’t the one to make some creatures lose their lives someone else WILL if there is a possibility of something bad to happen IT WILL HAPPEN! so if you were the one to kill that “family” crash your car and possibly die, you will be the winner, if HOWEVER you managed to survive and no one died … it’s a lose – win situation YES you couldn’t die but at least you did not kill anyone either and if you DO kill someone .. who cares? they might have been suffering depression like you or could suffer it eventually so … you would have made an unreal favor by killing them with you!
Literally every time I get in a car.
That just hit me hard coz I’ve been in that exact place. Whichever path you choose its hard to feel better 🙁
At least twice a week. My son is what keeps me grounded.
Yup.
I’ve been there, though more with the mind playing through the scenario of what would happen in that situation.
It’s creepy how these comics are very spot on sometimes
Very sadly true …
Come on everypony smile smile smile
And the dark humor of how I’m someone’s child, part of someone’s family, someone’s friend and yet I’m okay with the ideation towards myself in those moments.
Feels. Yeah.
Yeah the guilt is pretty bad with that for me. Or just off the side of a highway.
Truth
This.
Never been tempted to swerve into traffic for precisely this reason. When I wanted to kill myself, I always wanted to do it in a way that would hurt no one but me.
But how would I do that? My parents would probably be the ones to find the body. I’ve been nothing but a useless burden to them alive, but what would it do to them if they found me dead like that? Do I keep hurting them by staying alive or hurt them in a new way by killing myself?
So I stayed alive, loathing myself for it while also loathing myself for thinking of suicide. No matter what I was thinking, there was always lots of room for self-hatred.
This sort of this is definitely what has kept me alive and (phsyically) well on multiple occasions.
These comics… Surprise me with accuracy
I think I have had this exact mental debate more than once.
19 years old, driving home, on a bridge that curved a bit…all I had to do was *not* turn and I’d go off of it. Last second thought in my head, that my dad would be pissed that I’d destroy his car… yea, i’ve been here too.
I think the worst part is that when you think like this and try to explain to people that you have suicidal thoughts but due to your own nagging guilt have never been able to go through with it; I’ve found a lot of times they don’t believe me. Times like that it gets harder for guilt to be enough.
Great comic, as always. Some relate and others don’t. This one did in a big way.
I don’t *think* I’ve ever had that thought about swerving into the other lane… but I have had a number involving driving into walls or off the end of boating slips. If it weren’t for the love of my car – which I hope will still be on the road after I’m gone – there are times I would have done it.
…that’s a sign of being seriously messed up, isn’t it? Love of one’s car more than one’s self?
oh how scary the number of times i have considered this in my life David
I, an engineer, had it all pretty well figured out.
Requirements: Nobody hurt but me, the end comes quickly, and the insurance pays off so that spouse is much better off.
Plan: [not disclosed].
To my amazement and dismay, when I revealed the plan to her, she completely nixed it. Bummer.
A couple of months later I stumbled into a research project at Wayne State where I got a diagnosis and some treatment. Thirty years later I still have some of the ideation, but not making any concrete plans.
Hugs to everyone who commented because they can relate.
Every single time I think, this is it, I’m done. And I think of the lives destroyed with my loss, so I don’t, and hate myself for being selfless, and feel guilty for hating that I’m not selfish enough to end my pain even if it hurts too many around me.
This is so spot on. I do this with walking into traffic. Or I pray something will swerve onto the sidewalk and kill me. So long as my dog isn’t with me so she doesn’t get hurt . Really breaks my heart, that I really do want this.
this = depression
I know this feeling well. Driving is pretty much the only activity that has remained enjoyable for me through several ups and downs so far, but for some time I was scared of driving. Afraid that I would lose focus for just one second and subconciously swerve into the oncoming traffic. I still remember that one time when I was accelerating to pass a car in front of me on a highway (Germany, Autobahn) and almost panicked because I got much closer than I felt comfortable before changing into the passing lane. I was going 140, the other car 90 at most. That memory still sends shivers down my spine. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if my best friend hadn’t been in the car with me that night.
well not to oncoming traffic but definitely thought about ramming my car to a wall or something. and if it’s not an immediate death, i also told myself that i won’t even try to stay alive.
Causer de l’actualité en retard, mais osef. Pourquoi l’histoire du pilote dépressif me paraît vraiment étrange : http://t.co/I1l60KL4hk
Ghausia Rashid Salam I didnt know you think this way to <3
I drive over a bridge twice a day, and along with some wooded areas down a steep embankment, where the likelyhood of harming anyone is almost nil. I also used to work 2nd shift when the drive was nice and dark @ night, with a lot of deer that could be cited as a reason why I swerved so sharply. So everyday, it took everything I had to keep my wheels on the road on my way home.
Wow. Yeah. If life partner had not vetoed the plan I would have been there quite a while back.
Every off ramp: “I wonder how fast I can go before hitting that wall/barrier”.
Yes, I don’t want others to go down with me.
Call of the void
“L’appel du vide”
miss … ponytail glasses, some evil is needed and if you weren’t the one to make some creatures lose their lives someone else WILL
if there is a possibility of something bad to happen IT WILL HAPPEN!
so if you were the one to kill that “family” crash your car and possibly die, you will be the winner, if HOWEVER you managed to survive and no one died … it’s a lose – win situation YES you couldn’t die but at least you did not kill anyone either
and if you DO kill someone .. who cares? they might have been suffering depression like you or could suffer it eventually so …
you would have made an unreal favor by killing them with you!