Commentary from August 23, 2013.
This isn’t tied into the new direction I was talking about in my blog but a bit of a different direction altogether. This is really me talking about myself. I was going to design a different character for this strip but then I decided it should really be me saying this, looking back at the past twenty years of my life and seeing the damage I let depression do to me. I lost a lot of friends, hurt a lot of people, and destroyed a budding career in art because of it. This is why it’s so essential to get help early.
I know that’s the hardest part is living with all the things you’ve fucked up. How do you live with that? In addition to all the guilt I feel for no fucking reason now I have the guilt from ruining the people I love’s lives. It’s a perfect example of why they would be better off without me.
It’s really really difficult. Looking back, I wonder how people put up with me for so long. But one (of many) good thing about recovery is the knowledge that it doesn’t have to be that way in the future. But for now, that’s little good when we understand that we’re standing in a pile of our own bullshit that we have to clean up.
I wonder if I ever tidy up my room. Not (just) metaphorically, I mean pick up all the rubbish and use the vacuum cleaner I bought a year ago. The rest would be easy…
Oh yeah, this is probably one of the worst parts of the whole depression adventure
This is exactly where I am. I’m just barely enough out the depression to see how much I screwed up at work/life. It’s overwhelming enough to pull me back down, most days. Ugh.
It really is, and it’s really sad. It’s like waking up from a terrible nightmare only to realize that it wasn’t a nightmare but a reality. But it’s also important to remember that being able to see the damage is a good step — those totally encompassed by depression can’t.
If it’s after, then it’s easier to view things a little bit more optimistically, like: At least it’s after recovery, some may never get the chance to come out of it. A lot of it was maybe by us, but a lot of it doesn’t and that’s important for the self-esteem I feel. It depends on how supporting is the surrounding, but I think things are definitely going up from that point someone is through the worst.
Recovery sucks, but not recovering sucks even more (this is the next strip by the way, it was supposed to be paired with this one but I didn’t get it finished in time).
This reminds me of when I was really sunk in it. Pink Floyd The Wall was my go-to metaphor. And one day I looked up and was like, damn bitch, you sure blocked yourself in awfully good. It’s like the difference between a solid, snug life and a big black prison of doom.
Whatever, I’m metaphor-tarded. Keep up the brilliant work.
Someone on Tumblr reblogged this comic and added the lyrics to “Outside the Wall” to the end. And there’s a strip or two that alludes to The Wall as well. I’ve always thought of The Wall as a metaphor for depression myself, with its themes of self-isolation, bullying, self-harm, and suicide.
Thank you for the kind words!
Well considering that “The Wall” was written about Syd Barrett, the first Floyd lead singer, who cracked from mental illness and drugs, I’d say we depressives can relate to a lot of it. That movie shows clearly that self-medicating with drugs and alcohol doesn’t work!
This comic is so awesome. In some ways it really sucks that I can relate to it so easily, but at the same time it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.
Don’t know why I comment. I just know that when I read this I feel happy that someone else knows what it’s like, but extremely sad that I recognize it perfectly.
Continuing the metaphor, at the moment I am at the stage where I rebuilt part of my house, but for some reason a couple of weeks ago I decided that tearing down a few walls was a good idea. Now I have to start rebuilding all over again, and I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.
Know how that feels!
I sent this to a colleague and she wrote back “What you’ve rebuilt is better than with what you started.”
That was shocking.
I’d say. I don’t believe that for a second. What I rebuilt came with a whole lot of regret and forever lost friends with it.
There are “friends,” and there are friends. Forever lost “friends” are probably better lost. And I say that as someone who clings to his friends with great tenacity and doesn’t know when to quit. Which probably annoys some of those who wish I would. ^^;;
When people say things like you are you are making it seem like losing some friends is a good thing, like depression is just trimming the weeds. I assure you it isn’t.
The problem with recurrent depression, is that you’re always trying to build things up again because you keep on razzing things to the ground. I have lost plenty of freiendships and the “friends” I have now are the ones who really don’t know me.
139 http://t.co/jwsh02VV4V via @depressioncomix
@ichimorango http://t.co/6zTLENFQaC
i’d rather remain the way i am and die the way i am without recovering if this much of destruction will be left by me behind my back